That sound you hear is the ticking of the clock.... we are still waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting... endlessly waiting... I sometimes feel like I'm in some weird state of suspended animation. I'm going about my life - eating, sleeping, working, etc - but I'm killing time, waiting for something BIG to happen. I feel like I'm on a treadmill, walking on and on and on, but not really getting anywhere. How do people ever feel a sense of progress when waiting for an adoption?
There's definite progress when you're paperchasing... you get your dossier documents together and check things off the list. But after that, it's so difficult to feel a sense of progress. You can see people who are technically "ahead of you" on the list going off to meet their little ones. Right now, the people from my agency who are traveling have paperwork dates that are very close to mine. And so I know, somewhere in the back of my mind, that this means I should be approaching that travel time, too... but for some reason, it never really feels like progress to me. I wake up every morning and think, "Today could be the day!" And then around mid-day, when there has been no exciting phone call, I realize that it won't be today. Is our LOI days away? Weeks away? Months away? I've never been pregnant before, but I sort of imagine that this is like being in the 11th month of a pregnancy... you're pretty ready for something to happen. I live and work on a small college campus and EVERYBODY knows that we're waiting on an adoption. So I typically get asked "Any news?" or "Where's the baby?" about 3-5 times per day (no exaggeration). I love all these people, and they mean well (they're only asking because they're excited and they care), but there are only so many ways to answer that question. Sigh...
It's tempting to try to not think about the adoption at all (HA! Like that's possible!)
I fully believe that this adventure has been divinely impelled and directed. And so I think a lot about the idea that this will unfold on God's time, not ours. But then I start wondering... why has this taken 3 years? Why do I feel so impatient? Is it ungrateful of me or does it show a lack of faith to question the timing? Is it okay to be a little grumbly about it? Would I really WANT the process to speed up, if it resulted in getting ourselves OFF the right track? Is it even possible to mess up what I truly believe is God's plan for this? People talk about going overseas and meeting their child and seeing later that if they'd gone sooner or later, they wouldn't have met that exact right child - the child that is perfect for their family. So by wishing for a speed-up in this process, am I wishing for something that would jeopardize that sort of experience? Man, this is metaphysically messy.
Okay, on a completely different note, here's how I spent my spring break:
We did some prescribed burning on several prairie areas on our campus. Here's me in a Nomex suit. Totally cool. (Except that it was a men's extra-large. Not the most flattering fit...):
Check out the smoke "tornado" on the right hand side...
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14 comments:
hey girl--you look cool in the fire suit.
You have been so patient. There is nothing wrong with wanting it to "get on already". All your thoughts are totally normal. I have days where I just get totally anxious and scared, and then days when i really wonder, is this going to happen? and, I've not even been at this as long as you have. It's not easy--but we'll get there....eventually...some day...
When? I don't have a clue. :)
Hang in there girl. That's such a lame saying, but i don't know what else to say. :)
Chrissy, I have felt all the same emotions and thoughts that you are feeling! I just keep telling myself everything happens for a reason and I remind myself that we all have our own path to walk. It might not be the path that someone else would have picked but it is the path i am sticking with.
Stephanie and Dusty Baker - CHI Waiting Family.
Hi Chrissy. our waiting was much shorter but, I understand how it feels, but I also do believe this is the destiny. I am happy we met our children now and I can say if we didnt have so many delays in our adoption process we would certainly not meet them. Maybe your child is too young and she/he is not ready to be adopted, if you asked for a baby, the waiting will be little longer. I dont even know what else to say, I know is very hard, but it will hapen. Here are my hopes for your LOI to come very, very soon.
by the way, you look so cool in that costume :)
Hi Chrissy and Russell, I'm with the same agency, dossier at MOE since 9/2 as well...only this will be my second...I understand the frustration. Would love to chat.
Marianne
mzeun@cox.net
Chrissy, Just stumbled across your blog. My husband and I live in your neck of the woods (STL), and are also waiting for the call (working w/ a diff. agency). Nice to find a fellow traveler...
Susan
suecbt@hotmail.com
I do think it all unfolds on the big guy's plan. But that is hard to accept when you are so tired of waiting. I myself have fought with the waiting aspect and truth be told I haven't had nearly the wait of other people. I think it is okay to feel what you feel even if you also think that it is divinely directed. I don't know if it makes you feel better or not but I am feeling impatient for you and Russell. Every time I click on your blog and hold my breath and just HOPE HOPE HOPE. It will happen Chrissy. That is a fact. It is just the when that is in question.
So yes.... you nailed exactly how I am feeling with your latest post. Waiting can be killer. I'm stuck going through all the Embassy rejection mess and can't even get my dossier TO Kaz to get in line for the wait! Here's to praying for speeding processing from here on out.
Waiting is definitely the hardest part! My wife and I were in Kazakhstan on our first trip when they suspended taking applications so we were not even aware of it until we came back home. I can't imagine being caught up in that (thankfully, after 3 years, you were further along in the process not to get held up)!
We are flying back to Kazakhstan on Sunday to pick up our son! This has been the longest 3 weeks that I can ever remember!
I agree with all the other adoptive parents that have gone before us; the timing just was perfect! When just the right child for us was ready to be adopted, we were invited to Kazakhstan to meet him! After experiencing this for ourselves, I have no doubts whatsoever!
You look totally hot in that Nomex suit!
Yes, there is an epidemic in Kazworld of more and more waiting. There are a lot of anxious mom and dad to be's out there. Sometimes it helps to know others are going through the same thing....misery loves company!
Hang on tight and start lots of projects to help pass the time. I hope it flies by!
Chrissy--the fire suit is totally hot (no pun intended).
I am with CHI also and about a month behind you in the process. This waiting is the pits isn't it?
I know it will happen for us but the longer waits are frustrating. As I stated in one of my posts--despite everything that comes along, I remain firm in my desire and plan to adopt from Kaz so I'm in for the long haul. I am anxiously awaiting the time you get to travel.
Chrissy, I am checking on you. What is going on? Any news? I know we have to be patient, and I wish I could give advices in patience, but did your agency tell you anythign about when to expect to travel or at least the region? It really takes very long for you. I hope you will hear something soon.
Your posting was eloquently expressed :)
We completely understand how incredibly difficult waiting can be and how a feeling of almost guilt enters the picture. Kind of like, how dare I ask to do anything else but follow our path with faith... :)
Our dossier reached MOE in December..I try and not put an expectation date on our timeline, but boy is it difficult.
I enjoyed your posting - Thanks Harmons
It is easy in retrospect to say that the timing was perfect; however, waiting for that perfect time is not so easy. I hope that you get that exciting phone call soon.
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