Still here...

Hello blog friends,

I am still here, still alive and kicking. Been avoiding the blog for a while... I'm really a pretty private person, and it's weird enough to be sending thoughts about my life out into the blogosphere...It's been a long couple of weeks here in Waiting-For-LOI-Land... and still no news... so during the past couple of weeks, I have been operating under the mantra, "If I don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all." I had an encouraging phone call from my social worker a couple of weeks ago. His suggestion (which is a great one) was "Live your life." Meaning, don't live on pins and needles, waiting for an imminent phone call. This is, of course, easier said than done (although my SW is an adoptive dad, and I'm sure he remembers the waiting time, too!).

So I'm trying to live my life, but there are some things that just end up being affected anyways.... I'm skipping my annual week-long field trip next week to the Smoky Mountains with my botany class because there's no cell reception at the campground where we stay, and I thought that a week was too long to be away from the phone. :^(

I've been teaching most of my classes as though I perhaps won't be here towards the end of the school term... getting student projects started early, etc. Thankfully, the schedule this term is pretty flexible.

So I'm TRYING to be patient, but I still feel like I'm sitting on the edge of my seat, waiting for something HUGE to hit me. The question is, how long can you sit on the edge of your seat before your butt falls asleep and you start squirming around impatiently? How long before you hop up and start pacing around the room? How long before you start jumping up and down and yelling randomly? :^) I think that all of us waiting parents-to-be ought to have some kind of stress-reliever get-together, where we can ping off the walls and scream and laugh until we cry about what a bizarre process international adoption really is....

'Til next time...

Tick...tock...tick...tock....random thoughts on a Friday afternoon.

That sound you hear is the ticking of the clock.... we are still waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting... endlessly waiting... I sometimes feel like I'm in some weird state of suspended animation. I'm going about my life - eating, sleeping, working, etc - but I'm killing time, waiting for something BIG to happen. I feel like I'm on a treadmill, walking on and on and on, but not really getting anywhere. How do people ever feel a sense of progress when waiting for an adoption?

There's definite progress when you're paperchasing... you get your dossier documents together and check things off the list. But after that, it's so difficult to feel a sense of progress. You can see people who are technically "ahead of you" on the list going off to meet their little ones. Right now, the people from my agency who are traveling have paperwork dates that are very close to mine. And so I know, somewhere in the back of my mind, that this means I should be approaching that travel time, too... but for some reason, it never really feels like progress to me. I wake up every morning and think, "Today could be the day!" And then around mid-day, when there has been no exciting phone call, I realize that it won't be today. Is our LOI days away? Weeks away? Months away? I've never been pregnant before, but I sort of imagine that this is like being in the 11th month of a pregnancy... you're pretty ready for something to happen. I live and work on a small college campus and EVERYBODY knows that we're waiting on an adoption. So I typically get asked "Any news?" or "Where's the baby?" about 3-5 times per day (no exaggeration). I love all these people, and they mean well (they're only asking because they're excited and they care), but there are only so many ways to answer that question. Sigh...

It's tempting to try to not think about the adoption at all (HA! Like that's possible!)

I fully believe that this adventure has been divinely impelled and directed. And so I think a lot about the idea that this will unfold on God's time, not ours. But then I start wondering... why has this taken 3 years? Why do I feel so impatient? Is it ungrateful of me or does it show a lack of faith to question the timing? Is it okay to be a little grumbly about it? Would I really WANT the process to speed up, if it resulted in getting ourselves OFF the right track? Is it even possible to mess up what I truly believe is God's plan for this? People talk about going overseas and meeting their child and seeing later that if they'd gone sooner or later, they wouldn't have met that exact right child - the child that is perfect for their family. So by wishing for a speed-up in this process, am I wishing for something that would jeopardize that sort of experience? Man, this is metaphysically messy.

Okay, on a completely different note, here's how I spent my spring break:

We did some prescribed burning on several prairie areas on our campus.

Here's me in a Nomex suit. Totally cool. (Except that it was a men's extra-large. Not the most flattering fit...):

Check out the smoke "tornado" on the right hand side...